The opening of "The Gravedigger's Song"

On the Edge


People here know me as Aiden, but that’s not my name. I chose it when I came to this town. Part of my new beginning. That’s one of the advantages of coming to a new place. Nobody knows who you are, so you can be anyone you want. What I wanted to be was organized but laid back, and Aiden sounded like the name of someone who displayed those qualities. Approachable. Safe.


In class I pretty much fade into the background. I try to sit in the middle, but not the exact middle. Maybe a little back. I don’t like people sitting behind me, but if I sit too far back I have a hard time paying attention. That creepy feeling of having someone staring at the back of my head keeps me alert. On edge. And that’s important. Never lose your edge. That’s when things start to fall into chaos and you lose control.


At the gym, nobody knows me, and that’s fine too. I like the idea of coming in each morning like a ghost, working out, then leaving without anybody seeing me. When I walk by, maybe someone notices the momentary change in temperature, and then nothing. I work out to maintain my sanity, and part of keeping my sanity is spending time not being noticed. If I could afford to have decent equipment in my own space that would be great, but that’s not going to happen any time soon. So I wake up early and go to the university gym and try to avoid eye contact with anyone there. In the shower I find a corner and turn my back to everyone and pretend they aren’t there. I turn up the shower as hot as I can stand it. Sometimes a little higher. It feels like I’m burning off a layer of skin and starting with a fresh one. A new person for a new day. The Gravedigger says you have to die to live, and I try to live every day.


When I get back to the apartment Brooke is still asleep. I love watching her lying there with her mind in another world. There’s something so sweet and vulnerable about that. Sometimes I put my face up next to hers and breathe in when she exhales, then breathe out when she inhales. We breathe the same air. I suppose if you did that long enough you could die. Suffocate. But I like the bonding feel of it. Like I’m inside her body, a spirit moving in and out. Sometimes I feel very close to Brooke, but sometimes she’s so stubborn, so independent, and it just drives me crazy. I like things to stay calm, I don’t like it when she fights or argues. It’s such a waste of time. I can’t help but think, we’ve only got so long on this planet, why waste it with arguing. It really puts me in the wrong frame of mind.


Sometimes I climb back into bed with her, but this morning I have an early class and I don’t like to be late. I don’t like other people to be late either, which is another problem Brooke has. I’ve talked to her about it and tried to let her know how I feel about it, which I think is really important in a relationship. You have to let other people know how you feel. Sometimes it’s hard to know how you feel. One trick I’ve learned is to look around at other people and see how they’re reacting to me, and then I figure out what I’m feeling based on that reaction. It took me a long time to learn that. People can be very hard to figure out. They can really get on my nerves, but I try to stay friendly and calm around them. It avoids a lot of problems.


On the way to class I see Van. He lives next door to us so I bump into him all the time on the way to class and back. That’s how I got to know him. After you talk to a person enough times you go from acquaintance to knowing them. And once you know them you can just stop and talk when you see them and it isn’t as weird. They react ok. Van is pretty easy to talk to because he’s completely mundane. He never says anything interesting or challenging so you can just go on autopilot and nod and say “uh huh” when he talks. I do that with Brooke sometimes too but she notices and gets mad. Van either doesn’t notice or doesn’t care.


The first time I met him was when I was moving in to my place and he was moving in to his place and we kept passing each other and finally he came up to me and told me he was Evan but everyone calls him Van and I should come over for a beer when we’re done moving our stuff. I said sure but then I blew him off because the idea of trying to come up with things to talk about was a bit overwhelming. But then we’d see each other all the time and he would talk and I would nod and say “uh huh” and so now I’m more comfortable around him. Then Brooke moved in with me second semester and Van became friends with both of us and started coming over and hanging out from time to time. I don’t like that much, but Brooke forgets to argue with me when Van is over because it’s a new person to debate with and I’m off the hook for a while, so I guess it’s not all bad. Still, there’s something about it I don’t like. I see that look in her eye when she looks at him. It’s something I’ll need to address at some point. I don’t want to have to do that, but I know it’s going to happen. Some things are out of your control.


In class I catch myself zoning out. I snap my mind back and find that edge. Pay attention pay attention pay attention. The teaching assistant is from China or Japan or someplace like that where apparently they have no good English teachers because I can barely understand her accent. Math is hard enough as it is without the added barrier of an impenetrable accent. I’ve considered volunteering my services as an accent coach or whatever you would call it, but I know she would probably become offended. People are like that. It’s so easy to see their flaws, and everyone wants to be flawless, but if you try to help them by pointing out the flaws they get very defensive. I’ve had to learn this the hard way. I remember in highschool I had this English teacher who was really boring but had the most beautiful eyes. They were like cat eyes. There was something evil in there that completely contradicted the boring way she talked. She seemed like a tired demon. One day after class I waited for everyone else to leave, which took forever because people are really slow, and then I went up to her and told her,


“You know, you seem very sleepy when you teach. Sort of . . . lugubrious.”


I figured as an English teacher she would appreciate my word choice, but she just kind of wrinkled her nose and glared at me. Which I sort of liked because her eyes became even more amazing and evil. Her mouth tightened a little too, like she was trying to keep something bad from escaping. Like there was an angry little gerbil in there trying to get out.


“I’m not here to entertain you, I’m here to teach. Perhaps if you paid better attention you would find the material more interesting.”


“Oh, I don’t blame you for the class being so boring. I realize you have to teach these dead novels. It’s the curriculum. I’m just saying maybe if you had a little coffee before class, or maybe work out. Go jogging. I’m sure they’d let you use the school track. And the showers.”


Her look changed a few times, too fast for me to read them. I wasn’t as good at that then as I am now. Her face settled on a look of confusion, which was not what I’d been after at all.


“Don’t be late for class.”


She closed a book on her desk and started putting things away, which I took to mean our conversation was over. And so I never bothered trying to help her after that. It was sad knowing she would never reach her full potential. Because she was too proud to take my advice. People can be like that. Proud and stubborn, not opening up to what I’m trying to tell them. It can be very frustrating. I don’t remember what happened to her, but I know it was very bad.


So the Chinese Japanese teaching assistant continued on with her annoying accent and I tried to follow what she was saying. I felt like I was chasing syllables as they spilled out of her mouth mangled beyond recognition. Interpreting what she was saying and then understanding the underlying mathematical concept was pushing my brain to its limits. Apparently there are two sides of your brain and one is good at some things and the other is good at others. One side does math and one side does language. It’s split. So I guess trying to understand her words and understand the math at the same time was splitting my brain. It’s a frightening thought, two sides of the brain, just a thin bridge connecting them. What if one side wants to do one thing and the other wants to do something else. I think that happens a lot and we tend to ignore it because the concept is so disturbing. We tell ourselves, oh, I just can’t make up my mind. But really you’ve made up both minds, and they don’t agree, and they battle it out in secret until one side wins. And then you say, ok, now I’ve made up my mind, but really all that’s happened is one side or the other has taken a beating and is plotting its revenge.


I got home from class to find Brooke still in bed. I put my hand on her forehead. It was cool, as always. She opened her eyes and smiled up at me.


“Back from class?”


“Yup.”


“Learn anything?”


“Not enough. I’ll have to review this section in the book again.”


“Maybe the class is too hard. Maybe you should switch.”


“I took calc one last semester. I’m taking calc two this semester. That’s how it works. What am I going to do, go back to algebra?”


“Maybe there’s something more, introductory.”


“Calc 1.5? I just have to study harder.”


She rolled over and closed her eyes again. I yanked the blanket and sheets off her. That got her attention. Brooke liked to sleep naked. She looked good lying there, thin and smooth, her pale skin almost invisible against the white sheets. If you held your eyes still, she disappeared.


“Get out of bed lazy ass.”


“I’m still tired.”


“You’re lazy. The world has started without you. Go shower, I’ll make you some cereal.”


She rolled slowly out of bed and went down the hall while I filled a bowl with generic puffed rice and skim milk. When she got out she was naked and wet, dragging a towel behind her.


“One day you should learn to dry yourself.”


“I like it when you do it.”


“You’re such a baby.”


I dried her off which I could tell was getting her excited but I ignored her looks. I didn’t feel like fucking and she needed to get her day started.


“Put some clothes on, fix the bed, and eat your cereal.”


“Why do I have to make the bed, you’re the one who ripped the sheets off.”


“That was for your benefit. Just do it and stop arguing with me. You know I don’t like arguing. Especially in the morning.”


She fixed the bed first, making sure I was watching her. Brooke loves attention. Sometimes that’s cute and sometimes it’s annoying. right now it was somewhere between the two. I guess my brains were not in agreement on the subject. She looked over her shoulder at me.


“Like that? Is that good?”


“Don’t you have class today?”


“Not until one. Come here.”


“No, get dressed and eat. Then brush your teeth and then let’s do something productive.”


“Like what?”


“I don’t know. Read.”


“Boring.”


“Then what do you want to do.”


“You know what I want to do. Don’t you like me anymore?”


“I’m mad at you.”


“Why?”


“I don’t know. You’re pissing me off.”






“Come here.”






Get the book to read the rest . . .